But in what he takes away...

     Disclaimer:  I went back and forth on writing this blog. It is very personal, and I couldn't decide whether I wanted to open up this much. But I feel like maybe I can help someone else, even if it is just one person. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and just putting this down has helped. I won't apologize for it being to much information. I've blogged about life events for a couple years now, and seeing as this was one of the biggest, I thought it deserved its own post.


   It's been a little over a month now. A month of sorrow and pain. A month of tears, doubt, guilt, and grief. Its been a little over a month since Mark and I lost our baby. On January 7th, we found out we were going to be parents. I can honestly tell you that was the happiest day of my life. I told Mark in what I thought was the cutest way, and it was all we could talk about. We weren't trying, and it came very much as a surprise. But we welcomed it whole heartedly. On January 10th, I went to the ER and they gave me the worse news I've ever received. I was having a very early miscarriage. I was only about five weeks, and we only knew for three days. We didn't have an ultrasound picture, we hadn't heard the heart beat. But none of that mattered to me. For three days I was a mom, and Mark was a dad. For three days we were overjoyed and consumed with love for this tiny life growing inside me. I can't tell you the pain I felt when  they told us I was miscarrying. I've never felt such loss. Mark was wonderful, but he was grieving too. I know it was early, but that didn't make it hurt any less. I hurt for every single woman that has lost a baby, whether 5 weeks, 5 months, or even 5 years old. I don't think it matters how far along, or how old. It is going to be the most painful thing you've ever been through. I know there are others like me out there, probably reading this post. Statistics say 1 in 4 women loose a baby. I want to talk to everyone of those women and tell them how sorry I am for their loss. But I also know that nothing anyone says helps. There is nothing to ease the pain.
   Even though we weren't expecting that sweet little surprise, now that it has been taken from me, I want it back so bad. I'm having a hard time seeing  the pregnancy announcements on social media. I think my heart rips a little every time  I see one. I feel like that should be Mark and I. We should be getting to do sweet photo shoots, and finding a cute way to tell our family. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for everybody that has been blessed with a healthy pregnancy, and I pray that they will never endure what we have.
   I know God has a plan, and that it was all in his purpose. I know that he has a plan for Mark and I, that we will get a baby one day. But I'm terrified. I never want to go through that again. I don't know how you decide when it is time to try for another baby. I know that a new baby won't replace the one I lost, but I also don't think my heart will be healed until we are blessed with a baby. I know that the hard times make you stronger, and that this experience will make having a baby so much sweeter. After this, I will be so thankful if God decides to give us a baby. I will cherish every moment of my pregnancy, and every moment of that child's life. Because I know how precious it is. I know that not everyone gets to experience it. I pray everyday for God to allow us to have a healthy baby one day. Being a mom is all I've ever wanted out of life. I see how great Mark is with babies and kids and I want to make him a Daddy so bad. I know we will be great parents.
    So I can tell you, I don't know where we are going from here. I don't know what God has in store for us, or our family. But I'm going to ask you to send prayers our way.
    I don't know if this post is going to help anyone else out there, but please know if this has happened  to you, and you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I may not be much help, but maybe we can help each other.
   Loosing a baby has been a terrible thing, but I trust God. I believe something good will come out of this. And one day, just maybe, he will add to my little family.