But in what he takes away...

     Disclaimer:  I went back and forth on writing this blog. It is very personal, and I couldn't decide whether I wanted to open up this much. But I feel like maybe I can help someone else, even if it is just one person. Writing has always been an outlet for me, and just putting this down has helped. I won't apologize for it being to much information. I've blogged about life events for a couple years now, and seeing as this was one of the biggest, I thought it deserved its own post.


   It's been a little over a month now. A month of sorrow and pain. A month of tears, doubt, guilt, and grief. Its been a little over a month since Mark and I lost our baby. On January 7th, we found out we were going to be parents. I can honestly tell you that was the happiest day of my life. I told Mark in what I thought was the cutest way, and it was all we could talk about. We weren't trying, and it came very much as a surprise. But we welcomed it whole heartedly. On January 10th, I went to the ER and they gave me the worse news I've ever received. I was having a very early miscarriage. I was only about five weeks, and we only knew for three days. We didn't have an ultrasound picture, we hadn't heard the heart beat. But none of that mattered to me. For three days I was a mom, and Mark was a dad. For three days we were overjoyed and consumed with love for this tiny life growing inside me. I can't tell you the pain I felt when  they told us I was miscarrying. I've never felt such loss. Mark was wonderful, but he was grieving too. I know it was early, but that didn't make it hurt any less. I hurt for every single woman that has lost a baby, whether 5 weeks, 5 months, or even 5 years old. I don't think it matters how far along, or how old. It is going to be the most painful thing you've ever been through. I know there are others like me out there, probably reading this post. Statistics say 1 in 4 women loose a baby. I want to talk to everyone of those women and tell them how sorry I am for their loss. But I also know that nothing anyone says helps. There is nothing to ease the pain.
   Even though we weren't expecting that sweet little surprise, now that it has been taken from me, I want it back so bad. I'm having a hard time seeing  the pregnancy announcements on social media. I think my heart rips a little every time  I see one. I feel like that should be Mark and I. We should be getting to do sweet photo shoots, and finding a cute way to tell our family. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for everybody that has been blessed with a healthy pregnancy, and I pray that they will never endure what we have.
   I know God has a plan, and that it was all in his purpose. I know that he has a plan for Mark and I, that we will get a baby one day. But I'm terrified. I never want to go through that again. I don't know how you decide when it is time to try for another baby. I know that a new baby won't replace the one I lost, but I also don't think my heart will be healed until we are blessed with a baby. I know that the hard times make you stronger, and that this experience will make having a baby so much sweeter. After this, I will be so thankful if God decides to give us a baby. I will cherish every moment of my pregnancy, and every moment of that child's life. Because I know how precious it is. I know that not everyone gets to experience it. I pray everyday for God to allow us to have a healthy baby one day. Being a mom is all I've ever wanted out of life. I see how great Mark is with babies and kids and I want to make him a Daddy so bad. I know we will be great parents.
    So I can tell you, I don't know where we are going from here. I don't know what God has in store for us, or our family. But I'm going to ask you to send prayers our way.
    I don't know if this post is going to help anyone else out there, but please know if this has happened  to you, and you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I may not be much help, but maybe we can help each other.
   Loosing a baby has been a terrible thing, but I trust God. I believe something good will come out of this. And one day, just maybe, he will add to my little family.

On Valentines Day

Since it's Valentines Day, I feel it is completely appropriate to give a nice mushy gushy post about my hubby! I know, I know its almost sickening how much I love that man. But honestly I could sing it from a mountain top every day and that still wouldn't be enough. There is no possible way to show him how much I care about him! And even though there is a special day dedicated to "love" and "romance" I hope that I show him the other 364 days of the year. I pray he never doubts the love I have for him. I hope that I never fail him, and that he will always be proud to call me his wife. Because I sure am proud to call him my husband!

Mark, there isn't just one reason that I love you, there are millions! Here's just a few:)

  First and foremost, that you love me. It really makes this whole marriage thing easier!
  The fact that you know me so well. You can always tell when there is something wrong. You are very perceptive of me and my emotions.
  You make me laugh. Constantly. I am always happiest when I'm with you. I hate being apart.
  I love when you laugh at my jokes, even when no one else does. We call this the "courtesy laugh"!
  I love that you talk in your sleep, and even recently you've started sleep walking. Lets keep this to a minimum it does make me a little nervous!
  I love when an old song comes on the radio and you start to quiz me on the song or artist.
  I love the stupid nick names we have for each other.
  I love aggravating you to no end.
  I love the thought of you being the father of my children, there is no better man for the job.
  The fact that you put up with my craziness is beyond me.
  I love when you reach for me in your sleep, and murmur you love me, even though you are definitely not conscious!
  I love that when I cook dinner you stay in the kitchen and help, or just keep me company.
  You have the best personality. You are so kind and willing to help anyone.
 
   I just love you, literally everything about you is perfect. This list doesn't even begin to cover everything.I still wonder what exactly I did to deserve you. It baffles me that we have such a strong and unbreakable love. These last few weeks have been trial after trial, and I don't know how I would have made it through without you. I'm so grateful for you Mark, and not just because its Valentines Day. Please know that I love you everyday, forever and always.
 

January 2014

     I can safely say that January 2014 has been the worse month of my life. I have experienced more loss in one month than I thought my heart could endure. One loss I won't elaborate on because I feel it is extremely personal, but I literally thought it was going to break me. I've never felt so sad in my life. Just when I thought my heart had pieced itself back together, I found out my grandfather died. I was at my moms when we got the call, and it was a no brainer that we would be driving to south Alabama that night. Our only thought was getting to my grandmother. It was a rough few days. The only things that made it bearable were friends and family who cared so greatly for my grandparents. I can't even begin to give you a list of people who went out of their way to do kind things for us. We returned home only to be met by the "snowpocalypse" of 2014. I can't tell you how grateful I am that Mark and I were at my mom's by the time the roads became impassable. My poor dad was stuck out in it but if you follow his facebook, I think you'll agree when I say he enjoyed it! ha! I knew we were "trapped" at mom's, but really is there any place better to be? I thought to myself "Gee God, don't you think this January has been enough? Do I really need this too?" But the more I think about it, the more I think God did me a favor. Don't get me wrong, the snow was a terrible thing for so many people. People lost their lives, they were stranded on major highways, or even out of food for a couple days. It really was not a good thing for the great state of Alabama. But for me?
 It was wonderful. It was like God literally stopped my world (which was spinning out of control) for 2 solid days. I had been so down and depressed that God gave me 2 days with the people I love most. (Minus Dallas who was in south Alabama!) My parents, Mark, and I spent some really good quality time together. We sled down the snowy hills of Paradise Point, played cards, and just got to be lazy. One of my favorite things is being in the kitchen with my mom. I know Mark appreciates its, because she taught me to be a pretty good cook! Momma taught me how to make cornbread, which is probably a bad thing. I could literally eat cornbread every day! We made many meals together those two days, and I will always cherish that time with her. That two day period let me just "be." It was almost like a little break from life. I love my family so much, and I know I am blessed beyond messure. I thank God for the time he let me have with my family last week. Because if January 2014 has taught me anything, it's that the people you love are here on borrowed time. You better embrace them while you have them.